Written by Miles Henson on 24 Jun 2015
So, think of a conversation you've been putting off. Got it?
Good, let's think about how we might do this...
There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don't. Maybe you've tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, you feel stuck, and you'd like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.
What I've pulled together here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation, and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings.
You'll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.
Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, centre, and continue to notice when you become off centre – and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centred, too. Centring is not a step; centring is how you are as you take the steps.
Step 1: Inquire
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and their point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.
If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching their body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What do they really want? What are they not saying?
Let your partner talk until they are finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step 2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make their argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to them what you think they're really going for. Guess at their hopes and honour their position. They will not change unless they see that you see where they stand. Then they might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgment helped them (and me) to re-centre.
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you” doesn't mean I'm going to go along with your decision.
Step 3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all their energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that they’ve missed? Help clarify your position without minimising theirs. For example: “From what you've told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I'm not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I'm thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what they think might work. Whatever they say, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centring, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
And a final thought for you…
The art of conversation is like any art – with continued practice you will acquire skill and ease.
Here are some additional tips and suggestions:
Good luck! Momenta Performance Academy helps many people deal with difficult or challenging conversations and in helping them, makes people become more effective in what they do.
To find out more call us on 020 7374 5610 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org